Stabbed In The Heart: The Potential Dangers of International Marriages
By Elizabeth Thao

It was love at first sight for Selena Lee, a native of St. Paul, MN, when she met her future husband, Koree Khang, of Lav 52, Laos. But it all turned sour once she got her husband to this side of the world. “I was married [to Koree] for ten years. At the beginning, everything was great. He was sweet and very adamant about marrying me and having a life in the U.S. with me,” said Selena of her marriage. “It took two years for him to get to come live with me in the U.S. Marrying me made it easy for him to become a citizen and get all the benefits.” What are some of the benefits? “The chance to have a higher level of education, the privilege of American citizenship, and of course, the opportunity to get money,” Selena stated.

After Koree passed the exam to become an official citizen of the U.S., he went on to receive his G.E.D. and quickly changed his demeanor. He became adamantly involved in petitioning for his family to be able to move from Laos to live with Selena and himself in Minnesota. Selena claimed this included his mother, his sister…and a new girlfriend. “The abuse began almost immediately,” said Selena. “[Koree] had succeeded in getting his mother to this country and became obsessed with getting other family members here, too. I tried my best to provide money for his family, but we had three children of our own to care for.” Selena helped with the costs of petitioning for his sister—which was denied.

Things went from bad to worse when Selena discovered that Koree had been hiding money from her and had opened up his own bank account, claiming that he used it to send money to his parents in Laos. Because Koree was now a citizen, he was eligible to work for his own money and felt at liberty to do as he pleased with it. “We fought a lot about money, about what he was doing with it,” said Selena. “[Koree] and I fought all the time about petitioning for his girlfriend, who he called a ‘friend.’ He always claimed to not have another lover, but I knew he was lying. He had taken five trips back to Laos since he came [to the U.S.] in 2006. He had already been wiring money to her.”

Indeed, Selena officially found the situation with the lover was real was when Koree tried to convince his own wife to sign divorce papers in order to legally marry another woman and have her relocate to the U.S. “He told me he was only doing it to help out a friend, and that he would re-marry me again once she got here,” said Selena, “but I didn’t believe him. I wouldn’t sign those papers.”

Over the course of ten years, Selena and Koree would have these disagreements and Koree abused her. “He’d punch me and kick me and he would even sexually abuse me,” she said, “it happened as soon as he got to this country.” The violence that was continual for ten years came to light in a life changing moment—when Koree took a knife and stabbed his wife on May 30, 2010. “There was blood everywhere,” Selena remembered, a look of disbelief still on her face, “I was lucky I didn’t die.” Criminal charges have since been filed against Koree Khang, who was released on bail for $30,000. Selena Lee was represented in court by Eric Fong Lee.

International marriages, or the marriage of two people who are citizens of two different countries, used to be a practice generally kept quiet about, but over time it has gradually become more common, with the Hmong being no stranger to this phenomenon. However, with more social acceptance brings to light the many challenges that have been linked to this issue, allowing the topic to stay in the spotlight. From out of the woodwork, using, abusing, and violence have been some of the most prominent problems to be discovered about the world of international marriage.  

Selena, who currently works for the Association of the Advancement of Hmong Women (AAHW) as a Client Outreach Advocate, strongly encourages anyone who is considering an international marriage to use caution. “I married my husband when I was 22 and he was 19,” Selena stated, “Especially if you are older, it is easier for you to get duped. Men and women from other countries—they will promise you things, but they’ll really just be using you for your money. They’ll say they love you, but they don’t—they will only say so to get the benefits. Lawv tsis muaj siab hlub peb os, tsuas siv yus nyiaj ces khiav lawm xwb (They don’t have the capacity in their hearts to love you, as they only see you as money and a way out. When they have the money, they will leave you),” Selena commented.

Another factor that coincides with the rise of international marriages is polygamy, as demonstrated by Selena’s husband. It is not unheard of in the Hmong community for males to become involved in polygamous marriages. Historically, having two wives made sense for the Hmong, being an impoverished and agrarian culture where physical labor is required for survival.  Large families were a necessity and having many family members ensured that everyone could share in the responsibilities. However, it is now generally frowned upon for men to carry out polygamous relationships, especially from the viewpoint of their spouses. The Hmong no longer depend on farms for the future wellness of the family as much as they do by receiving an education and the workforce, so now, big families are not only unnecessary for Hmong-Americans, but almost a burden in economically challenging era.

Also adding to the controversy on this issue is the fact that the Hmong community is a culturally patriarchal society: the Hmong male head of household can often have the final word regarding his family, with many males in the Hmong community still believing it is the their right and duty to their families to marry at their discretion. But for their Hmong wives, most do not understand why their spouses would marry another woman in this day and age. For the older generations, this often means spouses will begrudgingly stand by their man, however, the trend in younger generations has been for the couples to work out and overcome the problem—or divorce.

People like Koree are what as known in the international marriage world as “scammers.”  These people are often highly manipulative, coercing their victims into sending them money by pulling on their heartstrings. For Mee Lee, of St. Paul, MN, this hardship was one her family had to learn the hard way. Seated in the courtroom in support for Selena, Mee shared her story: “My husband and I had been married for 25 years. We were married in Long Cheng, Laos, when I was 14 years old and he was 20. We immigrated to the U.S. in 1979 and raised our family here.”

“But thirty years later, in 2010, I noticed he had been e-mailing and having secret phone conversations with a single, 25-year old Hmong woman from Laos,” Mee said. “He told me he was going to marry her as his second wife. I was very angry with him and protested all of his actions, yet he continued meeting the girl. He went to Laos to marry her when she demanded money from him. My husband explained to her that he didn’t have money at the time, as he was still providing for myself and our children.

“That day, they went for a walk to the river to go for a swim—a popular recreational activity due to the hot weather in Laos. After they had been gone for about 15 minutes, one of the village neighbor boys ran back, reporting that my husband had fallen down into the river and drowned. When my husband and the woman were found, his clothes were soaked and his body was wet from head to toe. She claimed he had drowned and that since she wasn’t a strong swimmer, that she could not save him,” Mee said.

“However,” Mee continued, “when the autopsy on my husband was performed, nobody found any evidence of water in his body. No water in his lungs or his stomach.” So did she suspect the woman of murder? “Nobody truly knows but her,” Mee said, “but who else could it have been? She was the only one with him. Everyone knew that they had been together. And because it happened in Laos instead of here [in the U.S.], I don’t have the power to ever know for sure. I’m left with a dead husband.”

“So, you see, it doesn’t matter if you’re a man or a woman considering international marriage,” said Selena in response to Mee’s own life-changing story, “don’t be fooled into going crazy with the idea of ‘love.’ This is a problem that threatens anyone and everyone.”

Although the cases of Selena and Mee seem extreme, one cannot turn a blind eye to the fact that their stories centered around problems that occurred with people from other countries. Every marriage requires commitment, dedication and work, but know that an international marriage requires even more attention because of the many obstacles that a couple faces. The obstacles come from family, friends, personal values, expectations, and bureaucratic procedures. According to Sheri and Bob Stritof, Marriage Experts and authors of The Everything Great Marriage Book some of the problems these relationships face include:
•    Language Barriers
•    Differences in Values
•    Religious/Political Conflicts
•    Sex Role Expectations
•    Money Issues
•    Fear of Abandonment by Family, Friends, or Spouse
•    Legal Complications

In order to overcome these barriers and prevent potential dangers, those pursuing international marriage need to:
•    Learn about one another's cultures and communicate well in at least one language.
•    Learn about the stipulations for marriage: you may be marrying someone who comes from a different legal system than you do and you must find out how the marriage and divorce laws will work.
•    Use common sense: a sincere person will not ask you for money nor pressure you to give it to them or to get married. And if it sounds too good to be true, then it probably is.
•    Be open and honest with each other and each other’s families.
•    Talk with one another about which traditions you will want to carry on as a couple and with your children.
•    Accept that cultural roots go deep and that people don't change easily or quickly.
•    Focus on the positives and look at what they have in common with one another.
•    Discuss their expectations in the areas of mealtimes, holidays, finances, sex, chores, and roles.
•    Look and try to understand why it is difficult to let go of a tradition or expectation.
•    Know your limits! Instances of physical and emotional abuse are never okay!
It isn't easy to veer away from the value system that you've grown up with, whether that is your ethnic, religious or socio-economic background. Remember that when marrying internationally, you are essentially committing to spending the rest of your life with someone you really don’t know that well yet. International couples have said that the first five years of this type of marriage are the hardest, but that the key to any successful marriage, especially an international one, is to develop a huge sense of understanding and patience.